


Drunken Stories

by Uchuu



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Drunkenness, F/F, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-07-25 20:42:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7546799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uchuu/pseuds/Uchuu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Peridot is completely trashed, she can't help but tell the strangest of stories ranging from what happened in Harry Potter to her ideas for a new Camp Pining Hearts episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jerry Potter

"I wanna watch a movie." Peridot climbs into Jasper's lap, hair pressing against the top of her head and beginning to pat down her hair. Peridot is completely trashed and Jasper regrets letting her go out to a bar with not only Lapis but with Amethyst as well. "The one with the...boy who has the thing. The...What's it called...the stick that..."Peridot grumbles, trying to remember the word and ends up groaning as she forgets.

"What?" Jasper chuckles.

"With the magic and the...Pew pew...Knock knock, guess what...You're a lizard."

"You mean Harry Potter?" Jasper pulls Peridot's hand from her hair and looks at her. 

"Noooo,” she pauses, taking her hand back from Jasper and using it to touch her girlfriends face. “Yeeees!" She nods, "do you know what happens?" She leans her head against her girlfriends chest and closes her eyes. 

"What happens in Harry Potter?" Jasper asks and shortly realizes her mistake in the wording.

"Okay, so like...There is this boy but I don't remember his name."

"You mean Harry Potter,” Jasper tries to help and make this as easy as possible. She had never seen Peridot this drunk before; not even at her mother's dinners or Christmas parties. 

"Okay, and when he's uh, like two or twelve or four! He's living at home with his-" Peridot burps, "uh, parents but his parents are ghosts. So, he lives in a room and doesn't have a lot of tunities...Opprtuiniesi...Oppertuntitties."

"Opportunities?" Jasper asks and Peridot lifts her head up.

"No. He goes to the zoo with his new parents because his old parents are ghost and he's got this shit cousin. The boy is like, wow my cousin is a fuck and I want him to be eaten by snakes. So what's his name talks to the snakes and he's like, 'snake! Eat my cousin'. So the cousin is being attacked by snakes. Snakkkkes."

Peridot starts hissing and then begins laughing, sliding from Jasper's lap until her face is pressed into the cushion on the couch. "Uhm...I don't, I don't remember. He goes to the school, no wait, he's getting these letters in the mail and his dad is like, no you cannot read the mail you are two years old and two year olds cannot read. So, wait! It's not his dad it's uncle. So his uncle is like, we have to lock you in the room with the snakes. So he does that."

"So, his uncle is so mad about the letters and Harry reading that he takes him away. They go to this place and it rains all the fucking time and it's like super gross and then one day there's like a knock, knock, knock, knock on the door. Knock, knock...Guess what?" Peridot slides onto the floor and turns onto her back, placing her hands to her head. "You're a lizard, Jerry."

"Peridot. You are drunk and this is funny as shit but...I'm going to take you to bed."

Jasper stands from the couch, pulling Peridot by the arms to help her up and then picking her up to bring her into the bedroom.

"And then, when the books came out...It took a while because the author kept mailing her book like in an envelope to people. They were like, what the fuck who sends a book in the mail. Why do people send books in mail? How did they do this? What is this sorcery? Spoilers, it was the lizards.”

“Is that so?” Jasper asks as she places Peridot onto the bed and tugs at the bottom of her shirt to help her into pajamas. 

“So, in the book Jerry meets uh...Ronaldo and they just get super high and eat a bunch of candy because Jerry is rich. So, with weed and food and money in hand they go to the school and that's all I remember. There's a broom stick or six and they fight with them, too. Also...There's an alley with people and books and I think they're in New York because that's where people and books are.”

“Where does Harry Potter take place?”

“Florida. That's where the lizards are.” 

“You are not wrong.” Jasper moves from the bed in order to grab a new shirt for Peridot to put on and when she returns Peridot is laying flat against the bed, arms covering her face. “Get up, come on. Finish telling me the story.”

“Okay...So...” Jasper grabs Peridot's arm to help her sit back up, “Jerry has to fight the bad guy...Voldeymort...He goes, “I want you to die and go back to the place where you came.” And Voledymore goes, “okay. But first we have to have this fight.” So they fight again! Pew...pew pew pew pew pew…And they used these smells and Harry won cause he has a nose.” 

Jasper has managed to get the shirt over Peridot's head and struggles to get her arms into the sleeves but once she does Peridot rolls over onto the other side of the bed. “Come on, take off your pants. You can't sleep in jeans.” 

Peridot groans and whines, “I don't want to.” 

“Peridot. Do this and then tell me the rest of the story, okay?” Jasper comes to the other side of the bed, and Peridot turns over so Jasper can help her unbutton her jeans. 

“Okay, but I have to touch your face.” 

“No, finish your story.” 

“Okay but then you have to help me birth the snakes.” 

“So, what happens next?” 

“Right, uhm...Fuck, I don't remember. I think there's something about a stone? Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong movie. Is he in the first movie?”

“Are you asking me if Harry Potter in the movie...Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?”

“Why are you asking me? I've never even seen the movie. Who is Harry? I thought he was Jerry.” 

“Peridot, you just spent the past like ten minutes telling me everything that happens in the first movie and now you're telling me you've never seen it.” It took her a second to realize she was trying to rationalize with a drunk person and shakes her head, pulling Peridot's jeans and tossing them into the bin. “Okay, you're going to lay here until you fall asleep or until you pass out.”

“But what about the snakes?!” She tries to get up and Jasper keeps her down on the bed, pulling blankets over her.

“Peri, baby, sweetie, I love you so much but you need to shut up and go to sleep.” 

Peridot starts cracking up again and Jasper moves around to shut the bedroom door before joining her on the bed. Watching over her until she finally passes out.


	2. Finding Memo

Peridot is drunk again. Amethyst and her went out to a lesbian bar that just opened up in the city. A few women bought Amethyst drinks and she hooked up with someone which left Peridot to drink alone. She was nervous being by herself, called her girlfriend to come pick her up and downed four drinks in the meantime. 

Peridot is not good at being drunk. She's whiny and talkative and no one can tell her what to do because she barely understands her surroundings or what people are saying to her. She can barely walk and has in the past gotten stitches for ramming her head into a glass window. It's why when Jasper picks her up, she has to be given a piggy back ride to the car. It's half because she doesn't want to walk and the other half because what if the ground is lava and her feet burn. 

When Peridot is settled in the truck, she touches all the buttons for the radios and air conditioner, messes with the window like a child and Jasper has to lock the buttons on the door so she stops. 

“Where the hell did Amethyst go?” Jasper asks as she turns over the car engine and has to stop Peridot from touching the wheel and help her put on her seat belt. It locks and keeps her in place against the car seat which is relief for Jasper. She pulls out of the parking lot and hits every red light on the way back to Beach City. 

“Who?”

“Never mind. Why don't you just lay back and relax?”

Peridot groans, extremely loudly. Leans her head against the seat and searches for the button to bring the chair all the way back. When she hits it she falls back suddenly and hurts her head when it hits the metal bar on head rest. Peridot is decently funny when she's drunk, tells random stories, she can speak normally but slurs words and gets so distracted and whiny. It's a sight to see and Jasper's thankful it rarely happens because she can only take so much of it.

“What's wrong?”

“I just want to go swimming.” She whines.

“You're not going swimming.”

“Memo gets to swim.” 

“Who?” Jasper looks at her while waiting for the light to turn green. 

“You know, glub glub glub, the fish.” 

“Oh, you mean from Finding Nemo?” 

“Yes. No. Who is Nemo? Is he missing? Why are we trying to find him?”

“Do you remember the movie?” Jasper always asks a question like this when Peridot is drunk and regrets it every time. She tries to catch herself so she isn't met with Peridot's, long winded, attention deficit, explanation. 

“Hm...So there's this fish...He's orange, like you.”

“I'm not orange. I'm tan.” 

“Eh, you look pretty orange to me. You're orange with stripes and Memo is orange with stripes, so maybe we're searching for you? But you're not a fish, are you. So, orange fish...What's his name...” 

“Nemo?” 

“No! His dad! Uhm...Clyde, Clint, Colombo, Carl...” She's trying way too hard to think up a name.

“He's a clown fish, his name is Marlin.”

“Shh! Don't tell me that, Jasper! You ruined the surprise. So Marla-”

“Marlin.”

“Marsha.”

“Marlin.”

“Merrill.” 

Jasper huffs, “Peridot, it's Marlin.”

“Greg.”

“That's Steven's father.” 

She squints, “so Franklin and Rory...” 

Jasper sighs at this point.

“They're on this adventure in the ocean. And...uh, Marklin lost his son.” 

“Is that even a name? Repeat after me: Mar.”

“Mar…?” 

“Luhn.” 

“Linmar.”

“You're doing this on purpose aren't you.” Jasper focuses on driving this time, decides to stop adding into the drunken ramblings of her girlfriend. She pulls onto their street, parks outside the front of their house and turns the engine off before unlocking the doors. 

“So, Mark and Rory go on this adventure in the ocean and Mark has lost his son...Memo...That sounds right.” Every single time Peridot says, “memo,” Jasper sighs. She's not even saying the word memo, she's saying Nemo with an m instead of an n. “So, Memo gets taken by some asshole in the water. You know who is a total asshole who can swim? Lapis. I mean, she's not an asshole but like...Last time we went to the beach she hit me in the face with a volleyball.” Peridot starts giggling.

As she's talking, Jasper has already come around the other side of the car. She opens Peridot's door, fixes the seat to have her sit upright and fixes her seat belt before unbuckling her. Instead of getting out of the car and onto her feet, she clings to Jasper and makes her carry her into their house. 

Peridot's quiet on the way into the house, it starts to rain the moment they make it to the front door and Jasper digs around for her keys to unlock the door. “Are you sleeping?” She asks Peridot who shakes her head into Jasper's shoulder. “Do you want to finish the story?”

“What story?” She asks as they're inside, climbing down from Jasper's back and nearly falling face first into the coffee table. She stumbles a bit as she moves to the couch, lays down face down in the cushions. 

“Finding Nemo.”

“Who is Nemo?” She mutters something else before turning onto her side. She listens to Jasper walk around the house before coming over with a glass of water and sits on the floor next to her. “So, they're in the ocean. Going to find their son and there are these sharks. The sharks are nice and don't like to eat people like cannibals do.” She sits up a bit to take the water from Jasper, spills some down her chin and under her shirt as she takes a drink and whines as she gives Jasper the cup back. 

“So, after the sharks there are turtles and turtles are like...No, wait there are jellyfish. I think someone gets injured but I don't know, then there are turtles. I really like turtles. I had one when I was a kid, his name was T-rex. I liked dinosaurs when I was a kid.”

Jasper chuckles, “is that so?”

“There are no dinosaurs in this movie but you know what has dinosaurs in it? Jurassic Park.”

“Let's focus on this movie.” Jasper slides a hand to Peridot's hair, tangles her fingers inside the blonde mess and rotates circles against her head. 

“Hm...So turtles, they help him find his son. Sounds plausible, right? Then...They get sucked into a whale! The whale takes them to Australia where the kangaroos are, I guess Memo is there, too.”

“So, what's Nemo doing during all of this?” 

“He's...” She thinks about it, “living in a fish tank. There are a bunch of other fish in the fish tank, too. They're trying to escape.” She yawns, “and then there's this girl who tries to name Nemo but Nemo dies. The end.” 

Jasper can't help but laugh, “I'm pretty sure that's not how the movie ends.” 

“No?”

“I'm going to make sure you're supervised next time you go out drinking because it's two in the morning and you have work at eight.” 

“I don't need to go to work.” 

“Yes, yes you do.” Jasper pulls her hand away and helps Peridot up off of the couch to bring her into their bedroom. 

“Nope. I'm going to marry someone rich and become a princess. All hail Princess Peridot.” 

“Hm...Are you really going to do that though?” She sets Peridot down onto the bed and watches her roll over to the side, struggling to remove her shirt and jean shorts. She's struggling with the button and whines as she finally manages to shimmy out of them. 

“I gotta become a princess. Do you know who the best princess is? Princess Azula.” 

“Isn't she...Evil? Don't you end up liking every villain?” 

“No. Wow, Jas, you're so mean to me and my love for complex characters. Like Mark.”

“Marlin.”

“Fine, Marco, whatever.” Jasper throws a shirt at her and she falls back onto the bed. She hisses, “you're so mean to me!” 

“Hey, I think it's time for you to go to bed.” She comes over to the bed and Peridot sits up again, lifts her arms up and giggles as Jasper takes the shirt to pull it over her head. 

“How bout I just stay home tmrorw...” She pauses, “to...morrow.” 

“You want me to call your mother and tell her you got really drunk and can't come to work?” 

“Yes. She would fire me and I don't have to work there anymore.”

“No. She would yell at you and then come over to the house and make you get dressed and come in. So, go to bed.”

“I like it when you tell me what to do.”

“No, no you don't. You huff and puff and act like a brat and in the end, tell me what to do. I love you but if you don't get under the covers.” She pulls the blankets aside so Peridot can at least be comfortable. Peridot doesn't even say anything back to her, she slides her feet under the blanket and pulls them up over her face until Jasper pulls them back down. She pouts, watches Jasper move around the room to take off her jacket and shoes before coming to lay down next to her. 

"We should paint the room orange..." It's the last thing she says before she starts to fall asleep.

"Let's not do that."


	3. Iceland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to question why I wrote this? Also, enjoy Pearl.

It was three in the morning when Jasper and Peridot come home from the bar with their friend, Pearl. Peridot is drunk and while Pearl only had enough to make her tipsy she still comes to spend the night. Jasper's the responsible one, or so she always felt she was. She only drinks one or two drinks to make sure her friends can get home safe but the entire car ride back was Peridot groaning and Pearl singing songs from the movie Frozen. It stops when they enter the house and Jasper helps Peridot change into pajamas, mainly because she doesn't understand what distance is when she's drunk and continuously bumps into things and reaches out to grab something and either knocks it over or it's farther away than she thought.

Jasper goes through the effort of pulling out blankets and pillows and setting up their pullout couch for the three of them to sleep just because sometimes Peridot doesn't go to sleep and Jasper needs someone to help her from pulling out all the drawers in the kitchen again. This is looking to be one of those nights because Peridot ends up in the middle next to Pearl and Jasper and keeps singing the theme song to Frozen thanks to Pearl. She's buried in blankets and keeps mumbling the words to songs or quoting directly from the movie.

“Can you please stop singing?” Pearl asks, finding herself becoming more and more sober. She sits up, drinks from the cup of water on the end table next to the couch. 

“No. I'm going to become a famous singer and I have to practice.” She mutters the words and looks at Pearl.

“Pearl, just let her sing. She's not going to stop.” Jasper huffs.

Pearl rolls her eyes and sets the cup down so she can lay on the mattress, “is she always like this drunk?”

Jasper nods.

“I remember once when she and I were roommates, she told everyone the entire plot from season one to the current episodes of Camp Pining Hearts. She did voices for every single character, pronounced all of their names wrong or gave them new names and then she tripped over her own two feet into a glass table, broke it and ended up in the emergency room and had to get stitches. I think her attention span is completely obsolete.” 

“Did you hear they renewed Camp Pining Hearts for a new season? I'm so excited. There's going to-” Jasper covers her mouth and she struggles and licks her hand until Jasper lets go, “why did you do that?!” 

“I'm not listening to you spend all night telling that story again.” 

“Fine.” She huffs, going back to singing and then stopping and sitting up quickly as if a sudden epiphany struck her. “What's that movie called?”

“What movie?” Pearl asks. 

“The movie with the ice powers and the queen?”

“You mean Frozen?”

“No, that doesn't sound right.” She groans, “Iceland.” 

“Baby, it's called Frozen.” Jasper only says it to give Pearl an example of what she's about to do.

“No. Why would it be called Frozen? They are clearly in Iceland.”

“The movie clearly is based off of and takes place in Norway. Why would they be in Iceland?” Pearl starts to explain why Peridot is wrong and Jasper doesn't get the chance to stop her before Peridot starts her story.

“Well, the movie is all about these two sisters and...” Peridot lays back down, “uh...I don't remember their names but there is a queen and she hurts her sister by...throwing a snowball with a rock inside at her or something. So, they take her to get healed and she's going to be fine but then they do this evil voodoo magic and wipe her memory.”

Pearl was listening until Peridot completely derailed on the actual story, “you do know that does not happen, right? Her parents take her to-”

“Stop interr...ineruptin...interrupting my story. If you want to tell your story then you have to wait until I'm done. So, she loses her memory. Uh, then she spends all of her life really oppressed and wanting to meet a guy to have sex with. You know how much fanfiction there is that wants the sisters to be together? The internet is weird. So, she meets this guy who is a complete douche and totally evil but he's kinda cool. A horse kicked him; I think his name is Maximus.”

“That's the horse from Tangled!” 

“Shhhh!” She places a hand over Pearl's mouth and Pearl knocks her hand away,”he likes sandwiches and who doesn't like sandwiches? You know Amethyst sometimes has competitions to see who can come up with the strangest-”

“Are you sure Pearl can't tell the story?” Jasper asks. 

“Yes, Earl has to wait.”

“Pearl.” 

“That's what I said!” She groans loudly, “so, stuff happens there's a lot of gasp! And murmuring and pew pew pew pew pew pew...Ice powers. That's why they call it Iceland. The end.”

“That's not the end of the story! What about the search they go on for Elsa? What about Olaf?!” Pearl is getting very worked up over this and Jasper has to stop her. 

“Pearl, you do know you are trying to reason with someone who is drunk.” 

“I'm not drunk.” Peridot giggles. 

“What's my name?” Jasper asks and Peridot looks at her. 

“Hm...Memo...the fish.” She nods. 

“Uh huh. So what happens after Elsa reveals her powers?” 

“Who is Elsa?” Peridot turns to look at Jasper. 

“The queen in the movie, you know the one with the powers.” 

Peridot shakes her head, “I have no idea what you are talking about.” She sits up rather suddenly, “I forgot about the snowman!” She tries to climb over Jasper and Jasper grabs her to keep her from getting off the bed and she whines.

“You're going to bed. Worry about your snowman tomorrow.” 

“Is this what it's like to have kids?” Pearl asks, amused by the two. 

“Is someone pregnant?” Peridot stops moving and sits back in the center of the bed. “Ooh, you know who is pregnant? That mom from uhm, Star Wars.” 

“You have never seen Star Wars before and please do not tell me what happens in the movie because you have never seen it.” 

“I know they have those things! Shoom shoom lightsableeee.” She starts to make sound effects and nods as she lays back down, “and those two people are related but the fans were like nooo they can't be related they have to be together. Nope, siblings.” 

“Peridot, let's play a game, okay? You're going to close your eyes.” Pearl starts, beginning to get a headache from the excessive talking.

“But if I close my eyes how will I see?” Peridot asks before pulling the covers up to her chest. “If I can't see then how will I know you're still here and if you aren't here-”

“Peridot. Focus. Close your eyes and keep them closed for me.” 

Peridot does so, makes a bunch of groaning sounds and whining sounds until she gets comfortable enough to fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't remember why I wrote this. My tumblr is Uchuuwrites, I complain there a lot.


End file.
